I am Edward Cullen
by Mellmo
Summary: He is Edward Cullen, he is amazing, girls love him, but he never seems to have one, and this is the humorous tale about why, and the tale of that one special girl who changed everything forever.
1. I am Edward Cullen!

**Hell Dearies...wow that made me seem old...I'm only seventeen...XD. I get to say that now becasue it's my birthday! :P**

**This was going to be a one-shot story, but now it's not. I wrote it last night on a random wave of fanfictionness. (That's when I randomly get the need to write a story.)**

**Please check out my other stories! They are about Batman and Harry Potter. Thanks, enjoy, and REVIEW!**

* * *

I am Edward Cullen. I am known as being an extremely handsome seventeen-year-old boy. I have girls flocking after me; literally…I swear they run so fast they could take off. Not to mention that most of them scare me half to death…but…that's nothing compared to what happens to them on a date with me.

All my friends are in relationships; it's my dream to have one. I would like someone to tell me why I can't get one single girl to last more then one date with me? Jasper has Alice, and Emmett has Rosalie. I mean, how the hell does Emmett get a girl? Maybe Rosalie likes feeling like the smart one for a change.

All I had was my left hand…to play out my love, music. I loved playing the piano. It is my greatest passion…other then starring in the mirror at myself. I even got my parents to put up a mirrored wall in the piano room. That way I can look at my self in the mirror and play the piano at the same time.

Emmett is a special needs child. I think Rosalie just likes having a charity case to tend too. I wish she would help him all the way to a circus. He would like it there; I would love to watch him try to eat fire.

Rosalie is stuffy, pretentious, (hope Emmett's not trying to read this, that's a big word), and she and Alice go shopping way too much. If I ever did get a girlfriend she would have to hate shopping. I am not being a pair of trained dogs like Emmett and Jasper.

Jasper is so tight assed. I swear he has something shoved up there, and who knows what it could be, maybe he sat on a fish stick when he was younger, strange kid. How he is dating Alice I don't know. She is the complete opposite of Jasper, though that seems to be what attracts people apparently. My looks are what attract people, but that's not all they do.

I realised I should probably get off to school; it was a big day, a music test. I already knew I was going to ace it, I was the top of the class, the teacher loves me, and I was amazing at piano.

I hopped into my Volvo and raced off to school. Sirens rang out behind me. I sighed and pulled over.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" The cops leaned down in my window.

"Is that just a line all you cops say?" I asked him.

He cleared his throat, showing his dissatisfaction. "One-hundred and twenty miles per hour."

"Oh wow, I'm cutting down then!"

"Why is your visor down? Your rear view mirror shouldn't be that tilted towards you."

"Well, I like to make sure I look my best when I drive. The visor mirror gives her a good front view of myself, and the rear view mirror gives me a good side view of myself." I smiled at him.

"That's just unacceptable."

"Have I dated your daughter?"

"Excuse me?" He gave me a puzzled look. "I don't think so."

"Oh okay good."

"Here's your ticket." He handed me a sheet of paper that I shoved in the glove compartment with all the other once he was back in his car and had driven away.

I sped off towards the school, hoping to make it there on time. I waltzed into class just as the bell rang, just in time again. I slipped into my seat in the back of my music class. A cute blonde named Tammy, sat in front of me. She turned around and smiled, winking at me slyly. I nodded my chin at her, acknowledging her shameless flirting.

"Hey Edward…" She dragged the last syllable of my name as she spoke to me. "Want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

I instantly sat up straight and felt my throat close up. I couldn't reject her, but I had to, for her sake. "Yeah, sure." I heard myself slip out of my mouth.

"Great, I'll see you a seven then gorgeous." She blew me a kiss before she turned around in her seat, back to facing the brown haired girl that sat in front of her.

The girl shot back around in her seat, once Tammy was facing her. She had been very intrigued by our conversation.

I rocked my piano piece. I rocked it so hard the piano was panting. I think my music teacher was trying to contain herself during my performance. All the girls in the class gave me standing ovations, all except one of them, she just clapped normally. It was odd. It was the brunette haired girl who sat in front of Tammy.

"Thank you." I said bashfully, all for the effect.

Lunchtime is always a blast. My friends and I get to sit there in the Cafeteria and look awesome, while everyone watches us be awesome. It's really quite awesome. I eat the Cafeteria food, only because out in Forks, there's not much to do at lunch, and my parents being doctors, don't have time to cook me food. I'm too busy playing piano and looking good to make myself any food for the day. Also, compared to Alice's cooking, the Cafeteria food is gourmet.

So this one time Alice invites us over for a new vegetarian meal she wanted to try. We all thought, well its just vegetables, how badly can someone mess that up? We learned. I have never seen purple slop before in my whole entire life, except maybe for that stuff that came of out Emmett's stomach when he ate to much purple Play-Dough. It wasn't Grape flavoured like he thought it was. Took him awhile to figure that out though, a whole container full of awhile to be exact.

"I have a date guys."

"You do!" Alice said hushed.

"Yes…"

"You said you were stopping this dating stuff!" Rosalie badgered me.

I sighed. "I know, I know, I know."

"Wow, I wish I knew that much." Emmett grumbled.

Jasper turned his pale emotionless face towards me. "Is she hot?"

"Yeah."

"That's a shame." He frowned…I think he frowned…slightly…his mouth moved a little bit…I think.

"Oh Edward!" Alice groaned at me. "You know you can't date!"

I threw my hands up in the air. "Yes, I know that!"

"Maybe if you made yourself ugly…you would never date again." Rosalie suggested.

"You still date Emmett." I informed her.

"Very funny." Rosalie glared at me. "No, but seriously, it could work."

I shrugged. "What, so I make myself ugly?"

"Did you call me ugly, man?" Emmett began to just clue in on the insult now. "That's not very nice!"

I ignored him. "How do I make myself look ugly, that's impossible?"

Rosalie grinned as if she had a good idea.

"What is it?" Alice asked her.

"All Edward has to do is get really sunken cheeks, extremely messy bushy hair, like a guys birds nest hair-due, a strange chin, plastic surgery can do that, same with the nose, and you'll need a very small and flat nose."

"Sounds familiar." Alice chimed in.

I really didn't know how they would make me look ugly. I wasn't sure I wanted to look that ugly anyways, I mean I could never look at myself in the mirror again. It would be a shame to make me ugly. For now, I just had to live with my amazing looks, not so tough in the short-term aspect of it.

An ambulance raced up to the curb of Tammy's house. She had fallen backwards while I was saying good night.

"What happened?" The paramedic asked me.

"She fainted…maybe she ate something bad tonight at the movie theatre…that popcorn can be very dangerous." I fished for excuses.

My dad walked up to me in the waiting room. "Son, no more dating."

"AGAIN?"

"Yes again, I can't keep covering for you."

"I know Dad, I'm really sorry. You and Mom gave me these intense good looks." I ranted.

"Yes, yes, yes." He sighed. "No more dating!"

Tammy wasn't in class on Monday. I starred at the back of the quiet brunette girl. She would turn every so often to stare at me. I flashed her a smile every time. She was plain, but still very cute somehow.

Should I risk it?


	2. Chapter 2

****

:)

**I always think these things look so much better on a Word document, Lol. So, this is the second chatper. I had a pretty good turn out for the first one, so thank you. It took me a bit to finish up this chapter, sorry about that, I got a new computer so I've been playing with that. As well as Christmas stuff and things like that of the sort. XD.**

**It's 1:06 A.M...in the morning...even though I was suppose to go to bed earlier then usual so I could get up in the morning. Grr...it's the evilness of the laptop...but oh well, Lol. So yeah, I'm going to post this now so I can go get to bed soon. Lol.**

**Thanks, enjoy, and REVIEW! Chapter's will come faster that way, I insure you! Thanks again! XD.**

**:)**

* * *

As a hormone raging teenager, with girls drooling as you pass, it's hard not to pick one up every now and again. It's just lucky for me, there's a hell of a lot of them for me to pick up. Except...even with all this good fortune...I never felt content. I need a long term relationship, not just the one date standard.

For days I starred at the back of her head, and it was ridiculous. I loved the way her hair fell lightly into wavy...well...waves. Everything about her was so perfect. There was her silence, her sad facial expressions, her skinny body, her husky voice when she spoke, and her obvious lack of self-esteem. I had a theory, and I thought it might just work. I could never possibly make this girl extremely happy, and that was great!

"Hey Bella." I breathed into her ear as I came up behind her at her locker.

She instantly cringed at the sound of my voice.

"Sorry...did my good looks shock you?" I asked her. "Apparently I'm even hotter when you're talking to me, so I can understand."

"Uh...no, it's not that...I just..." She rambled on.

"You really need to make up your mind before you speak."

"Well...I...sometimes...it's just something...why are you here?"

"Again, with the unfinished sentences."

"I...I don't...what are you saying?" She looked confused, I bet she couldn't fully understand the magnitude of my sexiness.

"You really have to stop talking like that, it's distracting."

"Why are you here?"

"See, it's really not that hard."

"I...know it's not all that hard, I just don't understand why you're here."

"I'm a student here." I told her.

She just stared at me.

"Yes, take it all in. It takes awhile to fully register it. My sexiness is hard to handle." I smirked at her, smug and proud.

"Are you stupid or something?"

"No." I left my mouth hanging open.

"Why are you here?" She asked me again. "Talking to me?"

"Because I find you attractive."

"Attractive?"

"Yes. Not as attractive as I am, but I can't blame you for that. It's perfectly understandable Bella."

"What happened to Tammy?"

I cleared my throat. "That's not important right now Bella. Walk with me?"

She gave me a suspicious look and shuffled beside me as we made our way down the hall.

"So..." She stuttered.

"Can't think of the right word to go after that to describe my amazing looks?" I asked her seriously.

"Uh...no I was just going to try to find something to talk about." Bella said in a disgusted tone of voice. "You're really full of yourself aren't you?"

"Full of myself?" I was bewildered by this question.

Why wouldn't I be full of myself? All my friends thought they were amazing and awesome and spectacular, just like me. Maybe Bella really didn't understand my world. I had to get her to understand me, me and my good looks.

"EDWARD!" Rosalie yelled down the hall.

"Hm?"

Rosalie arrived to where Bella and I had stopped in the hallway. She greeted me with a big smile then turned to Bella. She dragged her eyes from her back over to me.

"Edward?"

"What?"

"What are you doing?" Rosalie glanced back at Bella again.

Bella shifted awkwardly on her little floor tile. "I should go Edward."

"No, please don't go Bella." I begged of her. "I don't want to worry that you'll start to avoid me...it will give me worry lines you know, and I don't need those yet if I can help it at all."

"You are kidding me right?" She said as if I just grew a second head, which should be a good thing I would think. "You need to get over yourself Edward, and then maybe we'll talk again."

"What's her problem?" Rosalie asked me harshly once Bella had walked away, disappearing into the hallway crowd.

"My good looks don't affect her." I responded in a daze. "Did I get ugly Rosalie?"

"No, she's just too ugly and horrid to appreciate them, that is all Edward."

"I find her attractive."

"Excuse me?"

I began to walk away. Knowing Rosalie, she would hammer on about Bella for the next week. She will never let me think she's attractive. I didn't want to listen to her snobbish opinions on people she didn't even know. All I wanted to hear from her was how my looks weren't fading all of a sudden.

I should have known I would run into her at lunch again, go figure right?

"Edward!" She shrieked at me from across the cafeteria. I had been spotted.

"Rosalie, leave him be!" Alice lectured her. "It doesn't matter who he finds attractive! As long as he doesn't date them, then it's fine!"

"Maybe he should date her; she's too ugly to be in this world." Rosalie let the words fall from her lips, only to get a glare from Alice.

"I think she's very pretty." Alice vouched for Bella. "Very plain, but still pretty."

"That's what I think." I chimed in. "So, Rosalie you can just stay out of it."

Rosalie didn't like me, or anyone for that matter, telling her off or ordering her around.

"You better not ever talk to that piece of pathetic garbage ever again Edward Cullen." She threw at me viciously. "You're type of good looks doesn't go well with her type of bad looks."

"That was harsh." Emmett frowned. "You're being rude."

"Shut up." She yelled at him.

"Okay." Emmett obeyed, hanging his head low and sulking from his abuse. It disgusted me.

Jasper joined us at the table finally.

"Where have you been?" Rosalie snapped at him.

"I was going to the wash room."

Hopefully he was trying to shit out the fish stick that was stuck up his well mannered ass.

"I had to go." Emmett mumbled.

We all turned to look at him.

"I forgot...but I'm going now." He informed us, embarrassed.

We continued to stare at him as he didn't move.

"You aren't going in your seat are you?" I asked him, Rosalie's face scrunching up in pure terror.

"Oh...no, I just forgot again." His chair scrapped against the cafeteria floor as he left to go to the washroom.

"What an idiot." Jasper said airily.

"A dumbass Rosalie," I began. "Goes perfectly with your bitchiness."

The next thing I knew her hand was contacting my smooth perfectly structured cheek causing a sharp persistent pain to form on my skin.

"Oww!" I shrieked. "MY FACE!"

"Rosalie!" Alice hollered at her. "NOT HIS FACE!"

Jasper sighed and bit into a fish stick.


	3. Chapter 3

**It's really short. But I thought it was funny. Enjoy. Thanks. Review.**

Don't think for one minute that I would let Rosalie get to me. I am Edward Cullen. I go with my mind, not someone else's, mostly because my mind knows what's best for me, whether it may not be the best thing for me or not.

Now...only to find Bella again. I wandered around the hall where her locker was. A few girls strolled by me and giggled to each other. My good looks have brought more pleasure to the masses. A guy strolled by and winked at me. Hey, it was a compliment.

"Bella." I called to her when she walked up to her locker.

She turned her head to look at who called her name. She quickly took her gaze off me and focused on her locker. I had never seen someone grab their books so hurriedly.

"Where's the fire?" I asked her. "And I don't mean the one burning between us."

"There's no fire."

"Some smoke perhaps?" I tried again.

"Nope." She threw her books in her bag.

"There's nothing between us?"

"No." Bella threw the bag over her shoulder and shut her locker.

"How?"

She tried to get around me but gave up. "What do you mean how? We barely know each other, that's how."

"Well then that's the perfect reason to maybe have dinner tonight." I smiled at her and leaned against her locked gracefully.

"It's a school night."

"So?" I gave her a confused look.

"So, it's a school night and I have homework."

I didn't understand this need to do homework. Why wasn't she putting it aside for my good looks?

"You can't be serious?" I half laughed, half exasperated.

"Well, someone has to be serious in this school."

"Why don't we get serious together?" I smirked at Bella and checked her out.

She just stared at me, eyes wide.

"You disgusting pig!" She spat at me, making several heads in the hallway turn toward us.

I looked around at them and shrugged, smiling nervously. Bella brisk fully walked down the hall away from me and out the school doors.

"I'll crack her." I nodded my head at the shocked observers.

"No you won't." A guy said after he slammed his locker shut. "Bella's not like your little group of followers. I can't believe how many girls adore you. At least Bella has some sense, be nice to her and let her keep it. You turn girls into mindless zombies."

"Say what?" I stiffened up. "Mindless zombies?"

"Yeah."

"You mean they come back?" I cringed in my spot.

"What?"

"The girls...they come back?"

"What are you talking about?" He looked at me bewildered.

"How much do you know?" I stuck my face an inch away from his and our noses pressed against each other. "How much do you know?"

"I know that you're a mind sucking, dignity robbing, individuality crushing idiot."

I moved back. "Oh, is that is? Thank goodness. I thought it was something bad!" I sighed a sigh of relief and slapped him on the shoulder. "Don't you worry...Malcolm...Michael...Mason?"

"Michael." He said.

"I knew it! See...now...Bella is a girl." I wrapped my arm around his slightly shorter frame and guided him down the hallway with me. "She is prone to feel feelings for guys like me. Now...if you were to like her, I could understand your jealousy for me. It's me; I mean...I'm Edward Cullen." I laughed. "But seriously, girls like me dude, you just have to get rid of the attitude and accept that."

He broke away from my arm and pushed me away.

"You are so unbelievable!" He accused me.

I smiled. "I know...it is unbelievable how the girls love me."

"No you idiot." He groaned. "Just forget it. I heard you were slow, rude and arrogant but this in ridiculous."

I stood there as he, like Bella, walked off brisk fully down the hall and out of the school doors. Maybe I was being ridiculous. Maybe I wasn't even that good looking? Maybe I was imagining all the girls liking me! Oh no, I was losing everything I had thought I was. No girl will ever look at me again. I am ruined.

"Hey Edward!" A cute red head waved at me as she came down the hall.

"Hellllllloooooooo there." I whistled and ran after her.

Never mind, I'm still me, Edward Cullen.


	4. Chapter 4

**Wow, who are you again? Lol, It has been so long. Well it's summer and I have graduated highschool! YAY ME! Though I am going back for an extra year. Boo hoo. :( **

**So I hope to write some more chapters for you all and if I don't then...you didn't review enough. :)**

**I hope you enjoy.**

**Bye.**

* * *

Bella.

I want her.

"Bella." I said to her when I arrived at her locker the next day. "I want you."

"Get away from me." She pushed past me and weaved her way through the student filled hallway.

I moaned in frustration. "BEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLA!" I fell to my knees and took a deep breath, ready to bellow her name again. "BEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAA!"

"Edward! What the hell are you doing?" Rosalie stormed towards me, bull horns forming on her forehead and steam shooting out of her nostrils and ears. "GET OFF THE FRIGGING FLOOR YOU DOLT!"

"But Bellllllllaaaaaaaa!"

"Stop it!" She grabbed my arm and hoisted me up off the ground. "You are pathetic, almost as worthless as her."

"Rosalie!" Alice gasped as she heard the words leave Rosalie's mouth. "How dare you!" She turned to me, "But that was pretty sad Edward."

"Edward, can you say my name like that!"

"No, he's going to say MY name like that!"

I watched as ninth grade girls started to form a mob around me. They whined and sulked and down right begged me to shriek their names out loud as I had done for Bella.

"I'm very flattered, I will do that in your dreams tonight." I bullshitted them. "In your dreams…"

If there was a limit to my dating, it was that age. Preferably, I liked girls my age, they had lived a few more years then the younger ones. Most of them had no real future ahead of them, which made it easier to date them. Though dating wasn't very hard for me, expect for the aftermath.

"In their dreams Edward, pul-ease." Rosalie rolled her eyes at me. "You really should just date those little rats, I can't stand them."

"Yeah man," Emmett joined in as he met us in the hallway. "Date them in groups…like group dates…like groupies…rent like a party bus…and…have them there…and-"

"We get the point." Rosalie shoved her hand in his face to shut him up.

Maybe Emmett wasn't s stupid after all, Rosalie just never gave him a chance, so why would he try? It could very well be possible. I mean somehow he is passing his classes. How that is, I don't know, unless he is actually not as stupid as we all think. Then again…on a fieldtrip to a farm once he did try to squeeze a chicken . He found out it didn't squeak, especially once it was dead. We finally got him to realise that only the rubber ones squeak…not the real ones.

"I'm not going to date them just because you don't like them."

"That's just mean guys." Alice chimed in. "Jasper?"

Jasper walked towards us with a huge grin on his face.

"What the hell are you grinning about?" I said shocked. "Did you finally remove the fish stick out of your ass?"

"I just found out the most amazing news!" He cheered.

"What is it?" Alice jumped up and down. "What is it?"

"I have depression!" He exclaimed.

"Are you on drugs?" I asked him, concerned about why that made him so happy.

"Yes!" He grinned even larger. "Yes, I am on drugs!"

"Uhh…" Alice frowned.

Emmett chuckled. "They gave Jasper happy pills!"

"Exactly! Now I can be happy!" He raised him arms in the air and spun around.

Well this was just crazy, literally. I didn't actually think he was on drugs. Maybe this was a good thing, though he's completely different. I'll miss his emotionless face and moody responses to my dating problems.

"So…now that your happy…what's up?" I asked him, as if I was meeting him for the first time again.

I recalled his original response a few years ago.

"What's up? I'm Edward Cullen, I am amazing." I said to him in the ninth grade assembly.

"Hello."

"I said what's up?"

"I'm Jasper."

"I said what's up?"

"Not to much."

"This is when you ask how I am."

"You?"

"I am finally in high school! Do you know what happens in high school?" I had waited for his response, but had only gotten a blank and emotionless stare back. "Chicks man, chicks!"

"Okay."

"Okay?" I gasped. "Chicks are hot dude! Look at that one over there, and over there and, dude, they are everywhere!" I informed him, spinning around to view them all.

"Sure."

I snapped back into the present time to realise that he was still going on about how he was. Apparently he had started to go on about himself while I was going into that flashback. Actually…this new Jasper was a bit like…

"I am amazing! I have never felt better. Have I ever mentioned that I love myself? I do. I looked at myself in the mirror today, and said, "I love you!" Isn't that something. I am just a gorgeous person." He smiled stupidly. "I love being me!"

I starred at him. I am the amazing one, not him. Yet, it was only him who thought that. I was still on top. I, Edward Cullen, will always be on top. I chuckled at my awesomeness. I was always on top, in more ways then one.

"Jasper, you only need to take one of these pills a day…are you sure that's all you took?" Alice asked him softly.

He frowned.

He was back to normal now it seemed. No more happy Jasper. It was freaking me out a little bit to be completely honest.

"I…" he went into side splitting laughter. "I only took one."

"Holy hell!" I moaned. "Shut up."

With that I left and made my way down the hallway. My chances of running into Bella again were slim to none. I knew she was long gone from where I was and wouldn't come back until she knew I had left. I wish she could see my sexiness like other girls. What the hell was wrong with her? I would say she was stupid…but she's almost as smart as me, so she's not stupid at all. I am a genius after all.

When I got home that afternoon, I played piano for an hour or two while watching myself in the mirror. My form was amazing and my playing was fantastic. Though all I could think about was Bella. I wasn't use to that, all I thought about was me! Why was I thinking about someone else? Why did she reject me? I slammed my hands down on the piano keys.

Running up my stairs I slid into my computer chair once in my room and opened up Facestalk, a popular chat site so friends can keeping in touch and enemies can stare at your pictures and loath you secretly. I, was going to facestalk Bella.

I left-clicked on the search bar and typed in the name, Bella Swan, and then hit enter. The little loading bar zoomed across the bottom of my screen and there was her picture. I clicked on her name and it took my to her limited profile.

"Gosh darn it!" I exclaimed. "I'll add her as a friend then."

I was disappointed when Bella never accepted my friend request that night. I went to bed early to get some beauty sleep. Not that I really needed any, I just had to withhold my amazing sexiness. That's all, I swear.

I also swear, that I will get Bella Swan. I, Edward Cullen will get Bella Swan.


End file.
